Our children are our children. Period. We take them as they come, and we love them for who they are. There’s not much we can do about it either way! This is the one we’re given and our journey becomes their journey. Through all the ups and downs and all the highs and lows. If you’ve raised a feisty child or if you’ve stood by amazed as a little angel emerged., then standby for the teenage years. If you thought you had handled the ‘terrible twos’ and the tantrums and now you could relax; think again.
The Universe has other plans.They are called ‘your teenager’. It might not happen overnight, and then again it might. You can say ‘goodnight’ to a sweet twelve-year-old and wake up to a thirteen-year-old dragon! Here are a few thoughts on the process and just how you might try and handle it.
Rules are the only way forward
It can be quite endearing and charming to think that you will never need these. But you will. There is one basic thing we have to understand about teenagers from any part of the spectrum. They don’t know where the boundaries are. That means quite simply they will push and push until they find them. When they know where they are, they will stop. If you understand that, the rest of what follows will be straightforward.
Enforcing rules requires consequences. And enforcing consequences is where we often fall as parents. We all want an easy life! Sadly your teenager does not understand that and if they do, they think it only applies to them. So hold on tight. You are going to need rules. Teenagers need boundaries and it is up to you to provide the first set.
Rules need to be seen and understood
There is no point in hoping that certain vague expectations will be understood. Rules need to be written up in black and white. They need to be where you can see them. Don’t leave any room for misinterpretation or ambiguity. Make them clear and understood. The more you leave it open to interpretation, the more difficult your job is going to be. And if your job is already difficult then why make it any harder or stretch it out any longer?
A wise parent once said the only cure for thirteen was fourteen etc. You are in for the stretch. So are they. But there is life beyond and having rules that you can both see and agree on will make that time come quicker and be way more memorable.
Breaking rules has consequences
This is crucial. You cannot be a parent and a best friend to your teenager. You have to play the tough guy. That is, you have to be a parent. If rules are broken, there are consequences. You have to enforce them. It is not easy. It was never going to be. If your son or daughter display behavioural signals that seem extreme, they might benefit from some outside help. An ADHD Dr could advise you about assessment and possible help for extreme or difficult behaviours. But whatever the level of behaviours, the consequences must stay the same and be enforced.
If you do not follow through with whatever you have flagged up, then you will have lost serious kudos and ground in the battle the help your teenager. The signal you are sending is, ‘it doesn’t matter’ or ‘it’s not important,’ and even, ‘I don’t care too much’. Follow through with every consequence no matter how harsh it may feel.
Negotiation
You can’t be their best friend and this is not a democracy, but you can explain why things are they way they are. Above all, you can listen. They will have plenty to say when they feel like talking. A shrug might be all you get! You might be blessed with a vociferous young soul who knows everything. Lucky you. Right now, however, you just listen. Promise to think about it and then respond. You don’t need to lose it. If you aren’t feeling and responding in a calm way right now, it is not a good time for this conversation. Walk away. You have the right to calm down and think about things.
Remaining positive
Being the hard parent can be difficult. This is tenfold if you are a single parent. If you are in a relationship then you need to agree on a strategy and remain undivided. A teenager may be foolish but they are not often dumb. They are adept and even wired to get what they want. They will play one parent, the hard one, off against the soft one. It is a question of survival. You need to be smarter than that.
Even if the negatives stack up, try and keep this in perspective. Refer to positive things. Times when he or she made the right decision. Times when they did the good thing. Look forward to those times ahead of you when there will be great achievements. This is unashamedly emotional blackmail and it works. So use it. You can be compassionate and you can be forgiving. Let it show, but let them know again exactly where the boundaries are.
If this applies to day to day behavioural stuff, then it should be applied to issues that are potentially life threatening. Drink driving or getting into a car with a drunk driver are examples of lines that cannot be crossed without serious consequences. They need to understand this before these things happen. Again and again, they need to be enforced.
They might stamp and rage but you must stand firm. Every moment they are testing you to see if you can provide the boundaries and the life-preserving skills that they need from you. You are teaching the next generation; this is no easy task. But, it is the single most rewarding one you will ever be entrusted with. The amazing thing is, believe it or not, you will grow together. The young person that is resisting you now will turn around and thank you later for not giving up and letting them down when they most needed it.