By Steph Fink
I knew I wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember.
With the news of being pregnant with our first baby, I just about lost my mind with joy. I told anyone who wanted to know…and even some who didn’t.
Just a few short weeks later, my baby died. I miscarried.
All the hopeful words and well-intentioned, but often ill-placed platitudes only intensified my grief.
So when I found out I was pregnant again, I told no one except my husband. When our second precious baby died just a few weeks later, I felt another part of me went with her. Yes, she was a she. After many tests and lack of explanations we found we were pregnant again. This time, we decided to tell only our closest friends; friends that prayed. We just needed support and prayers, that’s all. When our third baby died just weeks later I was at the end of my rope, literally. I couldn’t take one more drop of pain.
The explanation was that our child had chromosomal problems and was not healthy. I thought having an answer would help, it didn’t.
Grief is one crazy monster.
I needed help but withdrew from life and isolated from those I cared about most. I remember our pastor standing at the door with flowers and I shook my head no. I just couldn’t face anyone. I was angry that my body kept failing me and equally ashamed. I felt defective.
After some months had passed my husband and I went to a local adoption seminar and began the adoption process.
I knew we were meant to be parents and I didn’t think adoption would be the way, but who was I to second-guess God (anymore than I already had).
Weeks later, I drove to work and felt like my orange juice was like cement in my stomach. I pulled over to allow it to “exit” and got back in the car. I never had orange juice effect me like that before.
As I drove, I processed the morning events. No fever. Puke. WHAT DAY OF THE MONTH IS IT? I checked my calendar and “Aunt Flo”, as my friend calls it, was late. Moments later I was in a dirty gas station bathroom with a positive pregnancy test.
I cried out to God, “God, what are you doing to me??? We’ve done this before. I barely made it through my last miscarriage. Help.”
I went to my specialist who confirmed my test. Yes, I was pregnant, again.
Eight months later I held my healthy child, Jacob, in my arms. Two years later, I held my healthy child, Caleb, in my arms.
God used my motherhood journey to teach me what the word surrender meant.
There is a distinct difference between, “I quit” and “I surrender”. The source.
“I quit” – the source is self.
“I surrender” – the source is God.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21
God placed adoption in my heart years ago because God was preparing me. Two years ago, my husband and I adopted our oldest, Jayson. And what’s even more special is that Jayson, who is a grown adult, willfully chose to adopt us too. Jake and Cal didn’t get a choice whether they get to call me, “Mom” but Jayson did, and does.
I can’t imagine my life without my three babes in heaven or my three honeys here on earth. Being a mother changed me, in ways I never expected.
I wanted to share part of my story because I want to hear your story. If you struggle with infertility, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I also want to encourage you that your story hasn’t ended and even more importantly, share your story. Don’t quit, but do surrender your life to God. He’s the most reliable friend I’ve ever had.
Was it easy or difficult for you to become a parent? What’s your story?
**Steph can be found blogging at www.encouragedinheart.org or on Facebook at Stephanie Fink or on her Facebook page Encouraged in Heart – Stephanie Fink. She loves big hair, big cups of coffee and big bear hugs.
11 Responses
I so appreciate being able to share my motherhood journey here with the 24/7 MOMS community. I hope others share their story too as we learn the power, comfort and strength in sharing our lives with one another, one story at a time.
Thank you Steph for sharing your heart and pain!
Thanks for your comment, Kristen and I LOVE YOUR WEBSITE! 🙂
Thank you Steph for sharing your moving story with us; it brought me to tears. I’m so very sorry to hear of your three losses (I refer to them as angel babies).
I’m open to sharing with others about my infertility past as well, and love helping others with questions or to just help them realize they’re not the only one. It’s amazing how many people have come up to me after I’ve shared and tell me how much I helped them, or that they thought about infertility treatment but were hesitant or didn’t know who to talk to about it or where to start.
After trying on and off for several years and knowing I had PCOS, we decided to go through infertility. They had me start with medications/shots and would then start out doing up to 3 IUI’s. The 3rd IUI worked and well I was pregnant! It was such an awesome feeling, yet so surreal! I had so much fun researching special ways to surprise my husband to let him know. The due date was even going to be on his birthday. Well in the middle of the night when I was 7.5 weeks along I woke up and ended up losing the baby/miscarrying. It was beyond horrible…. I felt so helpless, didn’t know what to do, felt hopeless, and was just sick about it. I just kept praying, asking why and sobbing. As I type this and am trying to remember, it’s surprising how some of those emotions are coming back to me actually.
After a certain amount of time afterwards we tried another IUI and that one resulted in a positive pregnancy test. Sad to say but once you’ve had several IUI’s not take, then miscarry one that you became so attached to in such a short time, you tend to be a bit guarded and don’t want to get your hopes up in case your ‘dreams’ are crushed again. Not to mention I couldn’t help but wonder if my body would ever be able to carry a baby full term or even at all? Then paranoia sets in for the entire 1st trimester. I ended up having a big scare in the 1st trimester; it ended up being a slight complication which meant I needed more follow-ups than normal. The only good that came out of that was that I had more sonograms, got to see the baby more and felt a bit more relieved each time.
Anyway, long story short after several more pregnancy and birthing complications, on 8/5/10 I was blessed with my miracle baby girl! If you ever have any questions, need advice, etc – please don’t hesitate to contact me and ask.
AMR, I CELEBRATE 8/5/10 with you as a GREAT DAY TO REJOICE! REALLY appreciate your sharing here…and pray another that another IUI Momma finds comfort and strength!
I forwarded this article to my friend who has been through something similar. Thanks for being so transparent!
You are a great friend, Shonda for walking alongside your friend. What a comfort it must be to your friend that you care so deeply!
Thank you for sharing your story and giving hope to women who have suffered through a miscarriage. I miscarried three times…the first at 13 weeks, the second at 6 weeks, and the hardest was at 20 weeks when I lost twin boys. It got to the point where I cried when I saw a pregnant lady on tv or in the food store, or when I saw a mom pushing a baby in stroller at the mall. We decided to take a break from trying to conceive and we switched doctors. The new doctor told me that my cervix may be the problem. After trying for a year a half, I was finally pregnant for the fourth time. The doctor stitched my cervix at 12 weeks, I was on bed rest, and all was well until 26 weeks. The stitches got infected and I had to deliver. My daughter was a pound and a half at birth. It was a scarey two and half months with lots of ups and downs, but 74 days after she was born, she was home. We wanted our daughter to have a sibling, and were blessed 3 1/2 years later with another daughter. She was 13 days overdue! I sometimes wonder how our lives would have been different if we had those twin boys, but I know we wouldnt have had my daughters. They are now 16 and 20, both beautiful, happy and healthy, and I couldnt imagine our lives without them.
Jackie, I am so heart-fully sorry for your losses. My heart breaks reading that you have four precious angels in heaven. I can so relate back to the time where I’d break out and cry just seeing a pregnant belly.
Thank you for sharing your journey to motherhood. It is incredible to read that you had one daughter born so early (and so very little!) then to have your youngest daughter born so OVERDUE….wow, I can only begin to imagine how loved your daughters feel! I believe other women who may not see any light at the end of their motherhood journey tunnel yet, will not alone feel alone reading your journey and also have hope – thank you for sharing!
God has blessed me with 3 boys … and I never particularly wanted to “”be a Mommmy when I grow up”, though it’s what I am. It was not a particular struggle to become a mother for me, though it is a constant struggle to be a GOOD mother, especially now that my boys are growing up into little young men! The metaphor of quitting/surrendering spoke to me especially today since there is a lot of things in my life I wish to quit – smoking and overeating, especially. Perhaps if I change my mindset to SURRENDER, these two vices will not be so difficult to overcome! Again, thanks for using your writing to touch so many people’s hearts, Steph! Love you, “sister”!
What an incredible Momma to honestly admit you struggle to be a good mother because I do too! THANK YOU for your honesty, Tara! I often feel like surrender happens in phases and stages. Took me numerous times to stop smoking, but eventually did happen…food however, that’s remains a daily struggle still for me. When you feel like you can’t – remember that with God – YOU CAN/WE CAN! “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Phillipians 4:13 You sure touched my heart today!