By Steph Fink
A ten year old girl in Columbia that just gave birth to a five pound baby girl?
Middle schoolers having oral sex on the school bus…in. my. town?
I just had to write this post because I’m going nuts over here. Just nuts. And, I’d like your permission to have an honest and open discussion right here and right now.
A 24 year old woman that I adore and mentor recently emailed me thoughts that are hanging heavy on me. It’s with Colleen’s permission that I use both her name and her words to hopefully, begin a discussion.
In the 1950s you knew two people were dating because he gave her a varsity jacket or a school ring etc right?!? I mean sometimes not all the time but you catch my drift. But today that ring/jacket is now sex. When you have sex with that person that means that you are in a relationship. That’s why when I asked my ex if we could date without the sex, I got a, “Well then we wouldn’t be dating…we’d just be friends.”
Now before you say, “Well, not my kid.” I want you to know that the Colleen is a Christian. She was raised in a Christian home. She’s college-educated. She has a good job.
God wants us to mentor the younger peeps (check it out in the Bible in the book of Titus Chapter 2). I promised Colleen that I’d be honest with her cause she’s worth the truth and so much more. I’ve shared that I have pain in my heart that I wasn’t a virgin when I married.
I shared this then and again here not because I’m proud. Just the opposite is true. I’m still disappointed in myself because I hurt God’s heart. I believe the younger generation is worth an honest investment because avoiding these hot topics….please re-read the first two sentences of this post.
I’m not standing on a soapbox, spouting a holier than thou message. I’m nothing but a distinguished sinner, saved by God’s unrelenting grace and continuing a discussion here.
Is sex the new varsity jacket? What are your thoughts?
I don’t know…I really don’t know. This is a topic that I’d prefer NOT to think about, because I find it really disturbing and I know there are no answers and no solutions, at least not ones that are going to work in the short-term. When my sons (now 18 and 19) were in middle school, there were two incidents within a week or so; one was oral sex taking place in the school restroom (seriously?) but the other…the other…oh my. Two students were caught engaging in anal sex in the stairwell.
I am not a prude by any means, but that just blows my mind. Apparently, anal sex is the “go-to” option because it helps reduce unwanted pregnancies (hey, at least they’re thinking!) but also because, in some weird twisted logic, it means you’re still a virgin.
*sigh*
This is why I try not to think about it. Plus, my daughters are 14 and 16.
Thanks for sharing your heart and school experiences….WOW. Our kids are up against a lot more than I was up against. In the stairwell??? My heart is breaking…
I am not a mom. But I might have a short term solution. Obviously I have no idea how to parent but here are some possible short term solutions. You can watch “Mean Girls” with your daughters…lots of topics to discuss from bullying to premartial sex (and it is really funny). There is a really good scene in last week’s episode of Smash on NBC. Mind you it is between 2 men but thats ANOTHER discussion. But just see beyond the 2 men for a moment and listen to what the one guy says to the other when he makes a move…it is really powerful and should be on a billboard. You can watch basically any TV show with them and find things to jump off of. You’re daughters are in the thick of it all in high school. I will pray for them. And if you can’t find the courage to talk to your girls about sex …find a cool aunt or one of your close friends that they get along with that could mentor them. Parents cannot do it all. It definitely takes a village.
THANKS for praying, Colleen, and providing a way to bridge and connect! I couldn’t agree more – parents cannot do it all – that’s why we need to be in community!
I’ve thought about this, and I feel like each successive generation is looking for new ways to shock the older generation. In addition, younger people don’t seem to care about anything, but immediate gratification. Although what some of the kids get out of some of the things they do, I’ll never know.
Having various kinds of sex, though, is just part of it. Used to be, to never saw tattoos except on sailors and thugs. Now it seems like 3 out of 5 people have at least one, and the ones who really want to rebel are covered with them. I wonder how these young people will feel about all this “body art” in 40 or 50 years. Twenty years from now, will we have teachers, bankers, or a president who’s covered with tats and piercings?
I’m not sure what the answer is. I don’t have children. I like to think that if I did, I would spend time with them talking about what’s right and wrong, as my mother did with me. We weren’t a particularly religious household, but I still grew up with good values.
Would things be different if most of my communication with my parents had been by cell phone or text message? If my mom hadn’t watched television with me and used the characters’ actions to teach me about morality? I don’t know.
Thanks for writing your great thoughts., Auriette. Your immediate gratification and technology comments are of particular interest to me. In some ways I think technology has advanced us, but in other ways … not so much.
This is so scary! My husband was a virgin when we married – I will be forever grateful for that. I think I’ll try to warn my kids about the horrors, and to raise them as good Christians, but there is no guarantee. When MTV puts Jersey Shore girls/guys sleeping around as a thing to look up to, and then promotes Teen Mom, you’ve got to get worried. A little bit of Rome coming for the fall, perhaps?
I can’t believe a guy would say that no sex means you’re just friends… really?! I’ve only been married 5 years, I was in the dating world not *too* long ago, and I never heard anything like that. And any guy that pushed me got summarily dismissed. If it really is the new varsity jacket, can I keep my kids out of school? I don’t want to play!
You’re so right Elizabeth…our kids are getting very confusing messages (Christian or not) with Jersey Shore/Teen Mom helping define the culture. I’ve watched both to investigate what all they hype is about. “Free” sex and living in the moment.
It’s my heart to teach my kids to live IN the world but not be OF the world, meaning I don’t want them to follow the world’s ways but align themselves to God’s ways. God’s best in not sleeping around!
As a mom of boys, I want to protect them and keep them safe from any outside influence; however, I know it is God’s job too – not just mine. While I may not be able to control what is happening in other people’s families I can teach and encourage appropriate conduct, teach God’s word, and pour into my child. They are like a little sponge – I want to fill them up with my family’s values so they have less space for the world to fill in. My advice – start early and keep the conversation going! Find your footing then and keep it going as they get older. I am burdened by this, but one way we can make it better is by educating parents.
I’d like to bubble wrap my kiddos, Kristen! Truly I would but I know that’s not what God wants me to do. I am burdened too. I’ll continue to ask God for help in handling each conversation as it comes up. I also feel burdened to be real with my parent friends and ask them to not run away from their kids when the questions get uncomfortable, but rather keep the lines of communication open!